I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).