Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
You Might Also Like
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours