Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help