If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.