Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
SCARY COSTUME
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra