what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?