Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
yeah 😭
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.