Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A new level of troll.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?