HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
…żyje?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’