Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
This will never not be funny 😭
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no