Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.