Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
NASA has no chill
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”