Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
BRO LMFAO
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
me when I see my crush
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.