worst…sale…ever
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Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.