Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
😂🤣😂🤣
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang