Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Great game to play with friends
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril