I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.