My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything