Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”