I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.