Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Candles never taste the way they smell
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..