Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….