“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy