Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
She was REALLY feeling it.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
This squirrel eats better than I do
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework