There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.