Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Please do it!
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think