I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.