Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
You Might Also Like
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.