I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers