One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
You Might Also Like
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Put this video in the Louvre
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
mood
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”