Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.