Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
But is it really??
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope