I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick