I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
😍😂🥰😂😍
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Happy birthday to all the women
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!