I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.