How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Siri, fight Alexa.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while