Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.