HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?