Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
For those that worship cheese..
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”