i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You can’t rush stupid.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.