[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
You Might Also Like
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision