Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Cat is stressing him out.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*