FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m confused about plants
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Here’s a meme