Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.