Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I can’t deal with men any longer