My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space