I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The Friday File.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…