Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Y’all know who you are.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.