Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?