y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real